Crackling Massages, Great Golf & Hot Buys!

Immediately before the start of what is commonly called the Traditional  Thai Massage, I lay on the mattress and stared at the ceiling.

Disco music in Thai was playing in the background. A young woman entered the dimmed lit room and shut the door. I lifted my head and nodded. She smiled at me, knelt down and started the massage.

Within the first minute, she quickly pulled each of my toes. One by one she snapped them as though they were raw string beans. They each made a crackling sound like the sound of cracking one's knuckles. No one ever did that to my toes before. At this quick pace with 10 stretched and cracked toes already done in the scheduled two-hour massage ahead of me, a fleeting funny thought balloon warned me that I may well end up being quartered before the session ends.

How "traditional" was this massage? Did the tradition go back 100 years ago? 1000 years ago? That seemed plenty of time to establish tradition. Or, did the tradition go way back 4,000 years ago when animal and/or human sacrifices were made to keep the gods on the cheery side?

I laughed for a split second when I envisioned my Thai masseuse as Nurse Ratchet. Nervousness sometimes juices one's imagination. As it turned out, these 10 toe crunches were just the start of a very unique Thai massage for which I paid 400 baht, which translates into about $11 American. Whenever possible since the 60's, I've indulged in massage for the body and soul. This Thai massage which focused on accu-pressure was absolutely the best of the more than 50 I've experienced.

The massage, however, played only a small part of my most recent golf trip to Thailand during which I played five rounds of golf at five beautiful and challenging golf courses. Why Thailand?

The 2nd annual "Golf Travel Mart" sponsored by the Thai Tourism Commission had invited me, representing the press, along with more than 350 travel agents from throughout the world to experience, firsthand, the golf opportunities in Thailand.

This Far East country features more than 200 golf courses, mostly 18 holes, many designed by world-renowned architects like Robert Trent Jones Jr., Jack Nicklaus and Nick Faldo. To start with, golf courses in Thailand are immaculately maintained primarily because labor cost is minimal. For the wages paid for one full-time golf course maintenance employee in the U.S., anywhere from a dozen to 20 employees can be paid to work on a course in Thailand. Part of this results from the currency exchange ratio of 37 baht (as oflast month) to one U.S. dollar. With these Thai workers at low wages come hard work, guaranteed. One would be hard-pressed to find a sloth on the payroll there.

How do I know? Because Thai caddies are paid 200 baht for 18 holes of hard work, sometimes under a most tormenting sun. This pay comes out to less than $6 American, per round. Now I'm talking about diminutive female caddies, aged 17 to 27, who carry your bag off the bus and handle it during the entire 18-hole round. They do use a rickety pull-cart three times their age. I imagine that if the carts one day didn't work, the lady caddies would carry the golf bags over their shoulders. You wouldn't hear a whimper. The caddies provide expert reading of the greens. They also mark, clean and re-place the ball on every green. I never bent over to take my golf ball out of the cup, nor did I ever get to clean my golf ball during the five days of golf. Many times on the fairway, however, yardage estimates became blurred in the translation. My only responsibility on the course for five days was to hit the ball and, shucks, I had to bend over to tee the ball.... that is, after the caddie  handed me the washed golf all and the tee. This can definitely spoil a golfer.

At the expense of being called sexist, I must also point out that many caddies I met would be strong contenders in any beauty pageant back in the states, giggles notwithstanding. Teen beauty pageants.

HIGH TEMPERATURES, HIGHER HUMIDITY

Besides golf, the only challenge during my golf trip was the climate with daily temperatures hovering above 90 degrees, with just as high humidity levels. Since the courses were being inundated with so many travel agents on the days I played golf, the limited number of motorized golf carts were being used, so I walked the courses on the first three days. I along with other golfers who walked felt the heat and the humidity. When I talk of humidity during my golf trip in Thailand, I'm talking about taking a shower, then drying off, only to feel as damp as I feel after stepping out of the shower. I'm talking about humidity which clings to one's "fresh" clothes as though they just have been taken out of a steam room.   To avoid this exasperating experience, you can remain ensconced in your air-conditioned room all day and watch "Bonanza" with Hoss, Little Joe and father Cartwright arguing, in Thai, over cattle rights. Or you can, as I plan on doing in the future, visit Thailand during November through February when the climate showcases cooler temperatures and the humidity doesn't take center stage to one's daily activities.  You should realize, as I did, that you are visiting Thailand on your own  volition and as a visitor one must go along with the flow and not worry about a shirt that's wrinkled within minutes of wearing it. I marvelled when I saw in the hotels businessmen dressed in 3-piece suits as though they were in cool San Francisco or Vancouver during the winter months. They obviously found it to their business betterment to go along with the flow, as well.

PLAY THREE HOLES, STOP & RELAX!

Unlike courses in the U.S. at which golfers play 18 holes and usually stop between the ninth and tenth holes for refreshments ranging from Diet Coke or beer to Snickers or jumbo hot dogs, golf courses in Thailand feature refreshment kiosks every three holes. Because of the tropical climate and because there are no ladies riding around with their refreshment carts full of energy bars and soda drinks, these kiosks in Thailand are most important to one's game. At each kiosk, I typically ordered a bottled water and an orange Gatorade which I consumed one after another while talking with golfers in my foursome as well as those in the foursome ahead of us, who were still relaxing in the kiosk. Sometimes I ordered a hard-boiled egg on which I sprinkled plenty of salt and pepper. Then, after the following foursome entered the kiosk and ordered their refreshments, and as we were about to walk to the next tee, I ordered another bottled water and Gatorade, to go. Sandwiches, hard drinks, and fried chicken were also available at these kiosks. Besides refreshments, the kiosks offered a place to rest and get out of the sun, with the shade offering 10-degree cooler temperatures than on the open course. No foursome would dare pass up a kiosk, since golf in Thailand is a game to be enjoyed, not rushed through. It's also ritualistically civil, as is the game of golf, and passing another foursome wouldn't be the right thing to do.

QUALITY OF THAI COURSES?

All five Thai golf courses which I played during this golf trip certainly rank among the top 25% in the states. No doubt about it. Because of the reasons explained earlier, I wouldn't be surprised if many of the 18-hole courses in Thailand were also be ranked so high. Besides the inexpensive labor contributing to the quality of the golf courses, Mother Nature herself provides sufficient rain and moisture to keep the courses green, verdant, lush. Most of the courses are carved out of dense woodlands or jungle. For good or bad, the course designs in Thailand don't suffer for lack of great design. Consideration of and protection of the red-tailed tetsy toad or the pimply water lily frog may not exactly warrant EIRs in Thailand as species of bugs and birds always do in the U.S. Thus, the owners and designers of golf courses in Thailand have a freer hand in developing courses.

Thai golf courses also hold the surprises of the past and present. On one you may see an ancient temple off the fairway. Or, you may see a snake slither past your ball in the fairway.  Most Thai courses are lush tropical gardens which have been manicured into fairways, greens and tee boxes. Off to the right you may see a beautifully groomed garden full of colourful flowers, while off to the left may be trees trimmed to perfection.   One course I played was made the lovelier by small gardens here and there, so much so that Nick Faldo, course designer, asked that his name be taken off the course because of the gardens. He simply didn't like the idea that you may pick up and drop your ball out of the gardens without penalty. The gardens, however, are located in places where no golfer would hit, unless he or she, for example, topped the ball off the tee.  Don't for a moment think that these gardens somehow dilute the typical challenges of carryovers, bunkers, doglegs, and distance faced on a course. Thai courses have just as many challenges as do courses in the States.

Many Thai golf courses are also home to internationally acclaimed  resorts which provide 5-Star service with 5-Star lodging and 5-Star cuisine. Just when you realize you're in a Third World Country, you find yourself with service to die for. You find yourself facing cuisine that you would bet was created by some highly touted chef in New York City. Or you find yourself in a hotel/resort at which, if you were transported blindfold there, you would automatically say was a property of the Marriott, Hyatt, or Sheraton. In my book, a Third World Country which provides superior service, excellent lodging and uniquely delicious cuisine as well as top notch golf offers all that may be wanted by any golfer/tourist. I certainly was very pleased with all these during my 8-day golf trip.

AMERICAN DOLLAR GOES A LONG WAY

Again, cost is a serious consideration on any golf trip and on this trip, to be blunt, things were quite inexpensive. A lunch at a prestigious country club cost me only 75 cents American, while green fees for rounds of golf ranged from $13 to $18 American at most of the courses. A cab drive is so inexpensive that you think for the  money you paid, the driver must have miscalculated the fare. Jewelry and clothing cost a fraction of what they cost back in the U.S. Fine men's apparel, for example, are absolutely "best buys" with, as an example, clothing packages being offered as follows: two pair of trousers, two sports jackets or suit jackets to match the trousers, two silk shirts, two silk ties.... take a guess at the cost. If you're close to $199, congratulations! These clothes are custom-tailored to you, with the material being the finest, including all wool, gabardine, silk, or combinations.  I bought two Thai silk ties for $16 American total. I think I've seen the identical or at least very similar at Nordstrom's for $85 EACH.

This ends Part One of my Golf in Thailand article, to be continued in the August edition only because of editorial space limitations in this edition.  I must, however, mention that the Traditional Thai Message which I described at the start of this story ended two hours after the toe crunching started. I felt every skeletal bone in my body, it seemed, acu-pressured like never before. At times my muscles burned (I later learned the burning came from my re-energized nerves), and I felt as though I was going to hurt badly the next day or days thereafter. Not so. No aching at all. For the next two weeks I felt like I drank from that Fountain of Youth which was never found so centuries ago. My advice: do not visit Thailand without getting a legitimate Traditional Thai Massage...